I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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