They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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