Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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