The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
