just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
