Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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