im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
