My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
