I'm so fucking centered right now
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
