and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I won't apologize to a one balled man
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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