Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
