it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
