just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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