Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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