I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
