My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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