I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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