where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
