Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
