Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
