OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
