The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
