watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
