The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
