matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
