Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
