Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
