I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
