His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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