Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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