True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
