The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
