No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
