I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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