Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
