how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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