I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
