dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
