Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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