Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
