I accidentally had phone sex last night
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
