dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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