I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
