Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
