Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I forgot how hot balto sounded
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
