what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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