The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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