Grow some girl-balls and come out already
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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