Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
