You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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